my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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