so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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