I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
