so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Randomize
