i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Randomize
