Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Randomize
