i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Randomize
