I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
