i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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