i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
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he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
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He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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