the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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