not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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