last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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