smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?