I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?