My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Randomize
