She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
