My hair reeks of homosexuality.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
