i just wanna soil my oats bro
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Randomize
