I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Randomize
