remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
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