There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I think I am morally bankrupt
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
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