No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
