You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
