My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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