Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Randomize
