Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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