four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Randomize
