I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
