I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
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