well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
