i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Randomize
