"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Randomize
