You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
