____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
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