I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
