In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
