An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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