I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
