Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I think I am morally bankrupt
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Randomize
