I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
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