I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
