there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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