The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
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