So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
