why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
