So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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