Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
