i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
