So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
