you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Randomize
