I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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