Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
