well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Randomize
