Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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