I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Randomize
